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It’s time to get real here. Lately I find myself struggling with all sorts of pregnancy emotions. I know it’s because of my pregnancy, but that doesn’t make it any less unsettling.
*If you’re having any of these emotions, it may be time to speak to your OB about them.
The feeling I feel most these days is impatience. But from time to time, I get sad and tearful and just can’t stop crying.
I also feel sometimes as if I worry so much about the future that I just kind of shut down and don’t feel anything. I think this is why my mother in law kept telling me I wasn’t excited enough.
Anyway, if this sounds like you, then congrats, you’ve got a friend.
I’ve spent the last several days wondering if there’s something more to these feelings. I shy away from the “D” word, because I don’t feel sad overall. Most days I’m a fully functioning adult who laughs and feels calm.
But I needed a way to help me fight off these feelings, and I wanted to share what has worked for me.
When I’m feeling impatient
I knew the second the medical tech told me they wouldn’t be doing yet another test I was expecting, that I would start crying. There was no rational thought. Just, why are they doing this to me again??
I sat alone in the office waiting for my doctor to come in and after 20 minutes of waiting I decided to leave and never come back. I was pissed. I ended up switching practices because, let’s face it, I was tired of the bullshit.
I ranted about it (and other things) to people who have been in my shoes.
My sisters were both lovely and supportive while I complained about all that was pissing me off these days. I ended up laughing it all off and felt much better and relaxed by the end of it.
I said all the mean things I wanted to say – in my head.
I try very hard not to take my feelings out on other people because I’ve been on the receiving end of those comments working in the hospital. So, saying it in my head gave me a safe place to really feel what I was feeling.
By the time I got to my car I was just shaking my head and rolling my eyes. I was over it (sort of).
When I’m worried about the future
In the beginning of my pregnancy, I worried about so much that I came across as unexcited. Being a NICU nurse kind of does that to you, I guess.
Sometimes, I am just overwhelmed with worry. I might be sitting at the table eating breakfast and a stray thought hits me, such as, what if I go somewhere today and die in a car accident?
The tears will come and I just let them.
I just let myself think about all those bad things. It’s kind of like Beth and Randall on This Is Us, letting out all the terrible possibilities in life that they are thinking of.
I cry until I am done. I take a breath, and then I get up and go about my day. Sometimes that means diving into information about life insurance and advanced directives, and I think that’s OK, but I don’t want to be paralyzed by it.
So I started writing things down.
I think it helps me focus and organize these thoughts so that they are not so overwhelming. Right now it’s just a piece of paper, but I’ve ordered a few new journals to help me in the process.
I am hoping that working through these things will help me start to let go of the worry. I think some worry is natural, but I don’t want to be so enveloped in it that I can’t function.
When I’m inexplicably sad
The other night I went to bed with a headache. I had been feeling so-so all day, and I think the headache just got the best of me.
I got into bed that night and just started crying. I had no idea why, but it felt good to do it. So again, I just let it come.
When my husband came to bed and asked what was wrong I felt pathetic.
I just started laughing at myself.
I was laughing and crying at the same time. “I’m pregnant!” I barked out. He joined me in the laughter and just let me cry.
When I was done, I felt exhausted.
I let my husband baby me.
I told him I thought I just needed a hug, so we spooned and I fell asleep. The next morning I actually felt much better. I think sometimes what we all need is to stop being so strong and just let someone else be there for us.
Now that I’m keeping track of how I’m feeling from day to day, I’ll know if things start to become concerning. Journaling is a good way to show your doctor what’s going on with you so they can get you the help you need.
If you’re interested in journaling…
I used to journal almost every day in middle and high school. Now that a baby is on the way, I think it’s probably a good time to start back up. I’ve ordered these three journals to help with my three main emotions and can’t wait to get started. I also have several basic composition books for every day stuff.
Happy journaling! Hopefully you find some peace from all that is bothering you.
How have pregnancy hormones affected you? How do you deal with it all?